Wednesday, February 4, 2009

But I want it NOW!!!

I want - the dream that most of the women in the world want. The house with the white picket fence, two and a half kids (who thinks of this stuff), a nice job making the money I want to make, really good friends who have my back no matter what, bills paid, money in the bank and of course, how could I forget, someone to share all of that with. I think, honestly that I have those things. I mean I have the house with a wire fence (I'll take it), I have the kids (not the half part but I have three), I have the best job in the world (REALLY), I love it, my friends are the BEST in the world, putting up with me and all my crap, hmmmmm the bill part, well its working ok. And then there is the person to share it with, there is the hitch. Seems to me, that in my mind at least, I NEED this in order to make whatever I do have complete. I mean, my life is good, really good. I have it better than most and still its not enough for me. I just want to be happy.. whats wrong with that?
Now to
God's plan for me - He has given me (I probably don't deserve it) a home and a wonderful job to live in and work at so that I can take care of my children to learn to live for him and not concentrate on worldly things. He has made sure that through all my stupid mistakes ( and LORD KNOWS there has been alot of them) that I can always come back to him, He is not giving up on me. The friends He has sent to me are truly a God send. they keep me out of trouble, they console and comfort me when I think I cannot go on and they do so out of pure Love, nothing else. He has allowed me to go through trials and troubles not to hurt me, but to make me stronger for people who might need me (yep, need ME). As for the other thing, the one that seems so big to ME, you know I have done alot of stupid things to make what I want to happen happen and it NEVER works. Wonder why that is? Probably for the same reason as I tell everyone else when they tell me this stuff.... God hears what you want and just because you want it NOW, it doesn't mean that it is in His plan right now or honestly ever. Until I ( and this is really for me and no one else) get happy with myself and FULLY rely on God for EVERY issue I have and not try to think I can handle the little ones myself and call on Him for the big ones, nothing is gonna work right. Sure, I will find that person that I think is good, but it won't be because I am trying to do it myself. That a hard pill to swallow... that I have to give it all up to Him and say "OKAY I'm done, this is on you now, go for it"... taking that leap of faith that is talked about so much. And this is coming from a girl raised in the church all her life, can quote the scriptures and tell YOU what you need to do.... it scares me to no means that I have to give up the control I THINK that I have...but I am willing..what other choice do I have.

" On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand".

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