Thursday, July 30, 2009

I'm really tired

Isn't it strange how God will send a message right when you need it? For me, stress seems to come everyday. From being single, to being a single mom, work, school, the kids activities..... and I know I am not the only one out there. I see SO many people doing what I do or even more so I realize I have it better than some and I thank God for all His blessings. But, I would be remiss if I didn't say that I get kinda down sometimes.. I just get really, really tired and it shows at work, home, with the kids and even at church. It's not intentional, nor do I want to come off like I am sad all the time but it just kind of happens like that.

And then, this morning, I got this e-mail message:

And it reminds me once again, because at times I tend to forget that God is still there and He loves me. I remember being young and thinking how in the world can God be all over the world at one time? Did he have a million little eyes and hands so He could spread His power over everyone? Silly I know. But He is everywhere all the time, and He heard me last night talking to Him, He heard you talking to Him and it might have been the same time I was talking and He listened and He knows our desires and wants and needs. and at some point, we all really do have to start trusting that God is going to do just what He said He would do.

No matter what is happening in your life, mine, God love is constant, it never changes. The things we are going through, although hard right now, they come and go and one day we will look back and wonder why we let ourselves get so stressed in the first place when God had it under control the whole time!!

I love you all. Someone asked me last night when I was going to tell the " big secret".. lol..well, I am still working on that. God is still helping me figure some things out and when I know, I promise to let you in on it!

Have a wonderful day all.. I get to go to AHS tonight with my high school student to meet all the honor teachers at the school and get them prepared for the new year. I am excited and scared at the same time but I am gonna work it out. Lord willing we will talk again tomorrow. Make it a good one!!!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Calm in the storm

I have been up for the past 3 hours trying to figure out what to talk about today. I have started 4 or 5 different times and none of it made enough sense to hit "send" without people thinking I have finally lost what little bit of mind I have left. I honestly feel like my life is in turmoil now and day by day it gets worse. writing about what God has planned for us and what he wants us to do ..well as easy sometimes as it is to write about, its not so easy to listen to when you have so much going on.

Last night I had dinner and talked with a friend .... I had asked her earlier that day if she thought there really WAS a calm in storms. Its not like I really didn't know that answer, yesterday I just needed some reassurance.. to hear someone tell me. And of course she said yes. She explained to me that she finally realized that its fear that holds us back, the fear of not knowing what is going to happen and the fact that we can't control it. She reminded me that Jesus tells us to keep our eyes focused on Him, rely on Him and we don't do it. Then she told me this:

"ALL I can do when I am tired of being tired like this is beg God to lift me back up where I belong! And I truly mean that...I go for days...pleading for God to come and fill me with His spirit! I cannot stand living in this turmoil we call life. But God has me here....I'm leaning on Him to be sufficient for me...He promised me that."

Yesterday was one of the longest days of my life and I have had more than my share of those. Satan, wow... Satan seems to be running around tapping folks on the shoulder saying " here I am, I'm back to make your life miserable".. well mine anyway. Satan wants to see us fail, see and hear us say we give up, there is nothing left for me to do. But my friend is right, .....I need to (well we all do) be asking God to lift us back up above it all...all the turmoil and drama, the things that keep us down and look for God to fill us with His love, mercy and grace. Some days are harder than others, that's for sure, and like we have all heard before.. it's not easy but it sure will be worth it. There are things in life that are beyond my control. I have to come to the point where I can say I can't handle this and I am going to let God do what He said He would do. And just leave it.

I hope you all have a really good day. I am going to try to do the same. Lord willing, we will talk again tomorrow...

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Repaying evil for evil......

Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible. Dear friends, never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God. For it is written, 'I will take vengeance; I will repay those who deserve it,' says the Lord. Instead, do what the Scriptures say: 'If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink, and they will be ashamed of what they have done to you'. Don't let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good." (Romans 12:17-21)

Yesterday I found myself getting really, really mad. I have not been like that in a very long time so when it starts to happen, I KNOW it. I opened my mouth and stuff just started coming out... not good. Anger does that. You say things that you really don't mean, to people that you normally wouldn't and then you have a big ole mess.

But my anger, as I thought about it before bed last night, was more because the person is still hanging on to it, not me. Let me try to explain.... when I decided that things had to change in my life, I just "assumed" that everyone one else would jump on the band wagon and wanna change too. but you know what they say about assuming....... not everyone is going to or even want to change at the same time no matter what is going on in their lives, no matter what they are doing. They want to hold on to the past as hard as possible and try to do everything in their power to make the other people around them miserable. Now by NO means am I saying I have it perfect... if that was the case, I would not have gone to Florida this past weekend.. LOL. All I am saying is that, I cannot spend the rest of my life being mad and anger about things or people I cannot control and it is not my place to punish them.... all that is left up to God and what He wants to do. So that's where I leave it.

Now a year or so ago... yep.. for sure, I would have tried to handle the situation myself... revenge and all. Not anymore and as hard as it is for people to understand it, all I can do is explain the best I can and pray. The rest is up to God.

I hope you all have a great day. I think it might be raining today.. I like that! Lord willing, we will talk again tomorrow!!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

So you gotta read this!

Rick Warren is right on point here. I ask myself all the time WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG, I'm ready now!! And as i have said before, why is it when I decide I want to change, people start disappearing. It's not that God can't do it over night, it's just that we have to learn as we go along and since we have spent years not getting it right, it is sure to take years to fix it.. kinda like losing weight. Well anyway, he explains it so much better than I ever could... hope you enjoy the article.

Have a great day all!!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My daughter and I

My sons are spending the week w/ their dad as you know so my daughter and I have been chilling all week long. Last night I had to go to the grocery store and she did NOT want to go. She was trying to get home to the phone since her cell is doing something funny (not her fault this time). Anyway, I told her she was going, she sighed, but we went in.

She got the buggy and off we went. As I started picking stuff up and putting it in, she would run off and come back with a handful of "stuff" that she wanted me to buy. Hmmm I thought... maybe she didn't hear me when I said I am picking up a FEW things and not to ask me for anything. " AHHH No Brianna, I am not getting that." She didn't say a word, she smiled and went to put it back. As I rounded the next corner, here she comes again with this big grin on her face, handful of stuff again, never saying a word. She was playing a game.. it was SOOO funny to her.. so I played along again.. this time asking her how much all of it was... she laughed and went and looked and came back and told me. NOPE, not getting it and off she went to put it back.

Now I know you are thinking.. "what in the WORLD is this all about"? But it's our time. I don't know if any of you have teenagers, especially teenage girls, but this was one of our fun times. our 10 minute grocery trip ended up being and hour and a half, busting out laughing as we went down each isle, talking about just whatever came to our minds. Brianna loves her brothers, but enjoys the times they are away so me and her can have some "girl time". I enjoyed it too. It makes all those other not so happy times, just vanish..... she ended up getting alot of "stuff" last night too anyway... :)

Today I am committing to be happy, no matter what life throws at me. There are TOO many things in life that I have no control over, that try to control me, and the only thing I can do it make sure they don't put holes in my spirit. Things will not turn out like I want them too all the time, people at work will get on my nerves, my kids will not always do what I want and my ex husband is not always going to respond like I want him too. Happiness, MY HAPPINESS, is not something someone can take away from me, not today!!

I hope you all have a great day. Yesterday was beautiful!! I went to the gym at 5:30 Am and it was 62 degrees... nice!!! Lord willing, we will talk again tomorrow....

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


I am still trying to decide how to go about writing for the next few weeks. There is so much I want to say, but I sure don't want to come across like I have all the answers..Lord knows I don't. I have been actually sitting here for 45 mins looking at the screen and nothing is coming out right. I know what's in my head, but it's almost like you have to tell the whole story from the very beginning for any of it to make sense and I am still stuck on whether or not that is a good idea. God has been really good to me. Not everything has always gone right, but through it all, He was right there although at times, I wonder why. I'm gonna get this together soon and it will all make sense then........

But, I will leave you with this funny story ( and I guess you had to be there) Khaaliq called me last night. " Mama, I am ready to come home, come get me." He and his brother are staying with their dad all this week. He was whispering the whole time too so that probably meant his daddy didn't know he was on the phone.

"Why son? I just brought you a candy bar, what's wrong?"

" I don't have nothing to do."

"Well, why don't you play the video game, or play with your toys you took over there?"

" No, I just wanna come home NOW, it's borning over here, come get me."

"But Khaaliq, when you come home, you always say you wanna go see daddy."

"Mama, no!! I want him to come stay with us, not me come over here.. tell him to come see us so I can come home."


"Mama, quit laughing at me and COME GET ME."

All I could do was laugh. He was whispering the whole time and he was dead serious and really didn't like the fact that I was laughing at him. After a few more pleas to come home, I heard his daddy come in the room and the phone hit the floor... hahaha.. Vero assured me they were okay and he would call me back tomorrow.

I love my kids!!!

Be blessed and Lord willing I will talk with you again tomorrow!

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Rescue Mission

This weekend was good, better than I thought it would be anyway. After having my air go out for the 3rd time in a year, I was pretty much not in a good mood by Friday afternoon and to tell the truth, I really didn't want to have to get up Saturday morning to go to the Rescue Mission.... I needed some rescuing myself. But, I had already told the kids (who never wanted to go from the start) that we were going so off we went Saturday morning.

The plan was to meet up and go to the Rescue Mission Thrift Shop (which I didn't even know existed) and help straighten it out, and then to the building that served food and help and attend their chapel. The guys and girls were separated and my boys went w/ my preacher to help throw trash out of the building while Brianna and I helped sort and fold the clothes that were donated to the Mission.

I watched my sons take buckets of trash out and dump in a big pile. I think that is the hardest I have ever seen them work. Even Brianna who does NOT know the meaning of folding clothes was busting a sweat. I was proud of all my children, but especially Brianna. Now, don't ever tell her I told you this, but she would probably be the one who needed to go the most and help someone. She tends to be really selfish and thinks that the world is coming to and end if she cannot have what she wants.

She never complained once and she was willing to do whatever was needed of her to do. As she was putting clothes up, she came across a bat bag. Brianna plays softball and she thinks she needs a bag to hold her glove in. She had been begging me for one for about 2 weeks and I just really didn't think it was necessary. Well she came running to me telling me about this bag. I told her I didn't even think I brought my wallet and anyway, this was not for US, it was for people who really needed it... never the less, I told her to go ask the man in charge how much the bag was. After a few minutes she came running to me and said " He said I could have it.. for free!" I am thinking to myself, no, we really need to pay for this, that is how they make money so I went to the man and said, " No really, how much is it?" He just looked at us and said " Your help and love is more than enough to pay for it."

After a few more seconds back and forth of " are you sure" and "yes", Brianna not only got her bat bag, but also the two bats that were inside the bag. She was VERY happy and as we walked to the car to put it in, she said " mama, they GAVE me this bag and they need that money bad". I told her I hoped she remembered that, not everything is about money, some things are about love and just making sure that you show God's love towards ALL people, even the ones that don;t necessarily look or act like you. i sure hope she learned that.

Then we went to the place that serves the food and where they have chapel. The whole experience was wonderful. I couldn't help but have tears as we went into chapel and I saw the men (and women) walk in. I noticed my children watching them, but never saying a word. They didn't have to say anything.. I could tell by the looks on their faces that they really had no clue that people in Albany actually lived like this. As the service began and the singing started, they all joined in.. clapping, nodding heads, eyes closed and praying. They were happy we were there to share in their service, in their lives.. and so was I. Sometimes I go to my own church and don't see the excitement (myself included) that I saw in them, and we have more than many can imagine. They WANTED to be there, they wanted to learn and be around people.

As much as I hate it, there are always going to be poor people in the world. Doesn't seem fair that some people have, and others don't. But our job as people, as Christians, is to make sure we are showing them God's love and compassion. The Rescue Mission may not be for everyone, but there is SOMETHING out there that you can do. thing is, you really have to get out of your comfort zones and do something different.

Yep, my little problems didn't really seem so big when I went this weekend. It actually made me feel like and idiot for even complaining about the air not working and how much money if cost to fix it. It's really not about me.....

I hope you all have a blessed Monday. I love you all and Lord willing, we will talk again tomorrow

Friday, July 17, 2009

Just in case you die.. I love you!

know I said Monday, but sometimes things happen that you just have to get out right then.

The air is out at my house.. again. Let me just tell you how something like that can ruin a very good day. Well my ex brought over a fan for the boys and I had one at work that I needed to go and get. I put the kids in the car and we headed to my office. It was getting dark outside, but it wasn't totally black. As I pulled up in the office parking lot, I told the three of them to stay in the car and lock the door, that I would be right back. As I stepped out of the car, my youngest said " Mama, just in case you died on the way in there, I love you." Stopped me dead in my tracks. I turned around and he was looking at me with those eyes... the eyes that can make me melt. I said "What did you say Khaaliq"? He said, " I said just in case you die, I want you to know I love you."

Well, I was already emotional about the air conditioner and that just took me over the top. Tears just swelled up but I sucked it in as much as I could and said " I love you" three times (because you know each one of them want one JUST FOR THEM). Wow.. is all I could think... wow........

My 7 year old reminded me tonight that life is so short and that we need to value the time we have right now. The things we are so worried about right now, mean nothing. We need to be telling and showing each other love and compassion because we may not get that chance again.

I hope you all have great and safe weekend! Lord willing, we will talk again on Monday! Love you all!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Just some thoughts......very random ones, but what else is new!

Yesterday at lunch, I ate with my ministers and another friend from church. It was kind of a last minute thing and for no reason (even though everytime they ask me, I go " What did I do this time"), but it's funny how they always know when things might not be going so good, like they can read my mind. But I felt much better after I left. Just talking, about the kids, work, me, just life in general. We laughed and I found out some VERY good info about the school my daughter wants to go to after high school.

Last night after Bible study, I sat at a friend's house and talked as we watched the kids play. It was nice and it was good to just talk and be open. You know you never really know a person until you do some one on one. It made me realize how sometimes I can be really judgemental at times. Always assuming things about people and never really knowing the truth nor even wanting to find out. When I finally went to bed last night (at 1:00 am) I just prayed that God make me more open minded and to find ways to be a better friend.

My sons spent the night with their dad last night. They called me about 5 wanting to come home.. they do that alot when they go over there. they love their daddy but I guess there is nothing like being home. I love my kids, but I shared the love with their dad last night and they stayed. The house was quiet....

I am a long way from having all the answers. There are so many things I do not know, but I do try.

I have a friend who is driving from NC today for the weekend. Say a prayer that they get here safely.. traffic is going to be bad this weekend. EVERYONE who is traveling, please be careful!!!

I wish they would let Michael Jackson rest in peace.. for real. Money is not everything... don't they know that?

I am really trying my best to put God first. When I make decisions, make ones that He would want me to make and not the ones that make me feel good. Those don't work anyway.

When you make changes in your life, good ones, you really start to find out who your real friends are.

Hmmmm....... my brain seems to be all over the place last night and this morning. I do hope you all have a great holiday weekend. I am off tomorrow.. YAYYY....Be safe and be blessed and Lord willing we will talk again on Monday morning! I love you all!!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Unanswered Prayer.......

have been talking about prayer alot these past few weeks with people. The Bible says " ask and you shall receive" so that is what we do right? But what happens when we ask and God says no?

I remember when I was going through my divorce all I could pray was " PLEASE MAKE THIS WORK". I mean it made sense to me... why in the world would God want a family to break up? Kids to be without both parents in the house? and I mean I loved him so of course it was the only right thing to do. And I was praying to the right person about the right circumstance (or so I thought) But everyday, it became clear that me being married to this man was NOT what God wanted. and then I go and do it twice like He was gonna change His mind the second time.....wrong!!

But you know what.. God had a greater purpose in my pain. He saw a bigger picture that I still don't necessarily see, but I have to trust He knows WAY more than me. Prayer should change US more than it changes the circumstances we are in. I know believe that when God does not answer in the way that I always want Him too, that there is something I am missing and He wants me to focus on Him to figure it out. Not everything is going to go our way, I learned that. But it doesn't mean that God doesn't love us. i love my children with all my heart, but they don;t always get what they want....

I like Garth Brooks and he had a song a while ago that I absolutely LOVE!! I found this video for you to listen to.....

Have a great day all and I love you... and remember " Just because He doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care. Some of God's greatest gifts.. are unanswered prayer"