Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Dear God,

I am about to have a nervous breakdown. If some of this stuff does not go away soon, I am seriously going to have to be put away. So today, right now.... it's all yours and I am done! I cannot, my body or my mind cannot take anymore stress, disappointments or confusions, and I don't have too.

We are studying Nehemiah in my Sunday School class .We actually just got started last week, going through the history and all. And honestly, I don't think I have ever read much of that book before in my life. I know Nehemiah was suppose to be really short.. that's about it. But as I have been going through the book, I noticed something.

Nehemiah's task was to rebuild the the city of Jerusalem. It was a task that God gave to Him but as far as I can tell, Nehemiah had no idea how this was to be done. And he knew it and the first thing he did was fast and pray for God's guidance and success in rebuilding the city. As the story goes on, Nehemiah got help from the king for a safe passage and for money to do this. He faced criticism by some and got help from others and in the end, not only did he rebuild the city, but he rebuilt the people also. And throughout the entire story, it was obvious how Nehemiah got any of this done.... pray.

From the beginning to the end, Nehemiah knew who had the ultimate control and he acknowledged that, even after seemingly being overwhelmed from the beginning.

And our lives are no different as I see it. In my own life, there are so many things that can throw me off at any given time and there are times that I let that get to me. Satan likes that. He likes that the sense of feeling overwhelmed and not knowing what the end result will be will keep us from communication with the only one who is able to help us. If we truly give it to God, then leave it alone! It's done, quit bringing it up and really believe that God has a plan for it all. Who knows, He may be using you to transform a nation just like Nehemiah.

Be blessed my friends and until next time, Lord willing.....

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


For the past few weeks, maybe even months, I have been in some kind of slump. In every aspect of my life actually and I couldn't figure it out. I tried to change things up, do something different but always ended up in the same place..... depressed, mad, sad, confused and just wondering what was next. I got complacent, I got cocky, I was comfortable in my little end of the world and that was all I needed. I wrote, but not really taking my own advice. I use to sit outside and talk to God. Wait for Him to send me answers and He did. I know you don't believe me, but I am really serious. I cannot think of one time when I haven't talked to God out there that I haven't gotten an answer, whether it was my way OR His way, good or not so good as far as I was concerned anyway. I haven't been out there in a while. Months actually and I finally figured out why.... because what I know to be true, what will happen is I will get the answer. Funny thing is.. I think I already might know it and maybe it scares me to get it.. you know the FINAL answer.

There is no doubt in my mind that God hears me when I talk to Him and listens, I mean really listens. I'm the one that is messed up.. wanting to doubt, come up with excuses or alternate answers that MAY work in my favor. NOPE, that is not gonna work and yep, I know this already.

There are alot of funny things (maybe not so funny to you) in life to me. How friends turn into acquaintances, you know, those "seasonal people". How what you THINK is something that is SO good, turns out to be "another learning experience". How what you have been so use to doing turns into " can't do thing like that anymore." Yep, I actually think about those things, alot. My mind is always racing with something. I have been told I am not the easiest person to talk to. I guess I see that. I mean, I just like to say what I think and what I feel and don't necessarily expect you to agree or even like it but respect it for what it is. I think I actually demand that. But I am me.

I was on FIRE for a while there. Words flowed, the thoughts were on point and it all made sense, but like I said, the cockiness set in and God said " Ahhhhhh maybe you have forgotten who is doing all of this, it SURE isn't YOU." And so I sat, trying to figure it out.... I still am but I think maybe it's all starting to make sense.

I read something not long ago and it said " when you start a mission and you have the right mission but realize you have the wrong method, STOP. BUT when you have called something to a halt because of a false start, don't quit. GO back to the source, to God and get the right strategy and then with the proper training.... finish the mission."

I basically quit and stopped, probably with no intentions of starting again, trying to fix what is wrong. Always lessons to be learned I guess. So, I will be back on that patio soon, talking, figuring things out and seeing what answers are sent to me. And no matter what, as hard as it may be... I'll listen and it will be okay.

Monday, January 25, 2010

This past week has been a really busy one for me. With Brianna playing high school basketball, I rarely am home before 8 on practice day and 10 or 11 on game days. And that would be 7 days a week. But this past week was a good one for Bri, she played well, seems to be taking high school grades a tad bit more serious and she turned 15. I literally can tell you every single thing that was said and done the day she was born... down to the phone conversation I had while I was in labor.

But this week, as good as it was for her, kinda hit her hard too. It's no secret that Brianna and her dad are not close and she really does not talk to him alot. But he called her this week, wished her a happy birthday and told her he would come to her game that weekend(the day after her birthday). She was VERY excited. She had told all her friends he was coming and they could meet him. Now Brianna is no dummy.. she has been down a road w/ him that has caused her lots of disappointment and she remembers them all, BUT she was still super excited to have him watch her play that night. Friday came, and I sat behind the team (as usual) to watch my baby start in another high school game. I noticed her look at me during the game alot and then at the door. I had already sent a text wondering where he was. " had a blowout" he text back and I knew right then, he would not come. As the game went on, I watched Bri go from excited , to " can we just go home now". We won that game which put is 2nd in Region playoffs, but he didn't show up and the look on her face showed it all.

As we drove home, I watched her cry and tell me how upset she was and we all know how emotional I can get , but I held it in and explained to her that sometimes as hard as it is, we can't make people do what we want them to do all the time. She could only make sure she was doing what she needed to and all else would fall into place.

As Christians we sometimes lose hope too. Life just happens and we start to doubt the promises God has made to us. But the Bible is not a lie and God does not contradict Himself. When He said ask and it shall be given, He meant it. He forgives and is faithful to us until the very end and He promises us the most important thing of all....that if we hear, believe and do what the Word tell us, we will have eternal life with Him in heaven.

For Brianna right now, it is hard to understand, even at 15, that what is happening here on earth is a temporary thing. Not everyone is willing to keep their promises and do what they say. I pray that she realizes that God NEVER backs down or goes back on His word and he always has her back and is always there!

I hope you all had a blessed weekend and have a wonderful Monday morning!! Until next time, Lord willing....

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I just needed a moment,....that's all

I worry. I use to think it was just in my nature. But when things happen, I automatically go into frantic mode and get all stressed out about how I am going to handle or deal with a particular situation. You would think after writing so much and giving out all this "advice" I would know better, but like I have said time and time again, I still have issues that I work on everyday.

Yesterday was no different. Something happened and it totally threw me for a loop and I automatically went into " I'm going to lose my mind mode". This time though I figured I would have someone panic with me so I picked up the phone and dialed and told my story to them. His response........ "I love you and I'm here for you. Two heads are better than one. God will not forsake us as long as we believe."

Ahhhh this is NOT what I wanted. I needed you to be mad with me, to be upset with me, NOT tell me it would be okay. But you know what... it really WILL be okay.

Philippians 4:6-7 (MSG) " Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayer, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything comes together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

I have read that verse alot in the past year, over and over and no matter what is going on in my life, it is always relevant. Me stressing and worrying is not going to solve anything. The only thing it is going to do and DOES do is paralyze me, makes me concentrate on things that keep me from moving forward in my life, it becomes the center of my life. And further more, the kids pick up on it and they play off of my emotions. So instead of worrying, I (we) need to talk to God. Tell Him whats going on (He knows anyway) and lay it all down at His feet. And be done with it. Not saying that you need not take any action and just wait for something to drop out of the sky, but trust God to actually BE God and do what He said He would.

I woke up this morning, refreshed. Not really sure what will happen with that situation or any other one for that matter. All I know is it really IS wonderful when Christ takes the worry from being the center of your life. Things are and will be okay.

I hope you all have a blessed day. I actually think it may warm up a little this weekend! Be safe and Lord willing, we will talk again soon.

Friday, January 8, 2010

January 8, 1973

Yep, that's MY day (although I have to share it w/ Elvis) but today is my birthday! I am 37 yrs old and let me tell you.. I remember being 18 and actually saying to someone, " MAN 30 is old!!". I look back on it and laugh now because I in no way feel or even at old today!! Not exactly sure what I am doing today. My daughter has an out of town basketball game so she will be gone but my ex is watching the boys so that my boyfriend and I can go out a while. Not sure what he has planned for me but I'm sure it will be nice.

Let me just say I miss my mom alot today. See every year for as long as I can remember, she made me my FAVORITE cake for my birthday... red velvet. I have had other make me cakes on my birthday and as good as they are...they are not my mom's cake. My dad would always give me money because he never really was sure what he would buy was what I would want. The money worked My brother, who is in Afghanistan right now sent me birthday wishes first thing this morning and my kids... OH MYYYYY ..they gang jumped me this morning at 6:00 AM singing HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! It was really sweet!!

I am happy today. Happy that God saw fit to let me live another year. Happy that He has blessed me more that I can tell you or even think. Today is going to be an extra good day. No worries, no stresses, no issues... even if just for today!! Thanks for all the birthday wishes, Facebook messages, calls and text messages. I feel really special and am blessed to know and feel the love you all have shown me.

Love you all bunches!!!
Day before yesterday, I got a frantic text from Brianna. She was in school but all it said was " There is a bomb, come get me!!" First thing I did was pick the phone up and call the school. Someone had called in a bomb threat at her school and the bomb squad, police and fire department were there checking the school out. I asked the lady was it "OK" or did I need to come get my child and she assured me things were fine. So I text Bri and told her. She did NOT want to hear that! Within 15 mins, she had text me 45 time begging me to come get her because the school was gonna blow up. So I grabbed my bag, KNOWING they were not even going to let me in the school and headed that way. I text her when I go there that I was in the office and the principal had said the school was fine, the kids were all in class and they were still checking but it was really OK. After standing there a minute because I waned to be sure myself, I left the office. I text Bri and said that it was be OK, to calm down. They were just doing a final check, there was no bomb, and that I would not let anything happen to her. She text back " OK".

Seems a little funny I know, but she was really scared and the only thing that seemed to calm her was knowing that I was there even though she couldn't get to me then and that I let her know that I would protect her no matter what. Is that not like how God is with us?? Through God we find comfort, rest, hope and freedom. In His hands are the only true way we can find peace and calm. Christ has walked in our shoes and through Him we have salvation and eternal life. All of this is through God's hands.... isn't it wonderful to be God's child? He lovingly wants to wrap His hands around us and tell us that it is going to be OK, all we have to do is make the effort and choice to follow Him.

We all make mistakes. Been there, done that and wrote a FEW books on it, but God loves us no matter what. Now that doesn't mean keep making the mistakes and telling yourself that God loves me even though I am doing this right now. He DOES love you but we have to make conscience efforts to do right and stay out of situations that are not good for us. But God does love us, His love unlike so many other things in our lives is unconditional love. All we need to do is be willing to accept it and then we get the feel God's arms wrapped around us.

I pray you all have a blessed day and weekend. Try to stay warm.Lord willing, we will talk again soon! Love you all!!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I pray for discernment!

I don't make resolutions anymore, I never stick to them anyway. But I told myself that this year, I have some goals I want to attain. I want to pray more, study more and become even closer to God. I woke up Monday morning and KNEW it was going to be a good day, after all the weekend had been really great. It was a brand new year, I wanted a positive attitude going into work, and I was not going to let the stresses of the everyday world steal any amount of joy I had. Then, I stepped out the door.....

By the time I got to work, my mind was actually racing. Moving alot faster than I actually was and when that happens, I tend to physically slow down. I was typing a contract and literally had to stop and figure out to DO the contract. I do them all the time folks, should be able to do them in my sleep, so this should not have been hard. I started praying quick! I honestly had no clue what was going on, could be a panic attack, anything but it was not good. Then I got a text message from Paige and basically it just said to not let stress rule me, take things one day at a time and calm down. Now, I had not talked to Paige in maybe a week, so she had no clue that I was feeling like I was about to lose it so I text her back and said thank you and you must be reading my mind. She said she just knew (we are alot alike).

As the day went on, things started happening that started to let me know that Satan was trying to get to me. I started having all kinds of thoughts about situations, so much so that my stomach started to hurt. My head was still spinning and I really thought I was going to have to go home.

Then, with the help of another friend, I finally figured something out. See, alot of my problem is that I take past relationships and situations and think" well if it happened then, it HAS to happen now" and I get all upset. So I changed up my prayer then... I started praying that God give me a sense of calm and one of discernment. I wanted to make sure that my thoughts and feelings were really coming from the Holy Spirit or just Satan using my own fears and doubts against me.

We need to be like Jesus in Matthew 26:39 "yet not as I will, but as YOU will.."

So my prayer (and if you would, just throw a prayer in for me too) is that I start to use what God has given me. I want to be able to ask the Holy Spirit to lead and guide me with discernment so that I know what I ought to be doing!

I pray that the new year so far has been wonderful for you all. Lord willing,we will talk again soon.. STAY WARM!!!!