Monday, August 2, 2010

Gonna find me.. somehow!

It's been a week since my fingers picked up a pen or typed on my blogs. I seriously debated just picking up, taking the kids and leaving. Now where to or even how, that's a mystery, but the thought was there. My friend Q says I have too much going on. She seems to think I am so busy worried about everyone else, that I can't sit long enough to figure out what it is I want or need. Maybe. I know that stress kills. I know that keeping things in tends to be hazardous to my health (and those around me). I know that praying helps. I know that God listens. I know that no one is perfect and in life, we are going to have trials and issues that seems to be the end of our worlds. I know that life is going to go on no matter what we chose to do each day (well at least until Jesus comes back anyway. And I know that crying really IS good for the soul. Mine anyway.

Somehow I gotta get back to ME. I mean I know it's not about me so please don't get it twisted. By ME I mean, I gotta figure out what happened to that fire that I had that seems to have burned out. There was this point that I had so much crap going on, probably more than the people who know a LITTLE know about, so much stuff I was doing and was into that was probably not so good. I mean literally had gotten to a point that I figured God would strike me dead if I sneezed wrong. So I started praying, and I mean REALLY praying hard that things changed. That they started looking up and not for me, but for my family, the kids, because I was not showing them any kind of right example (some things are still coming back to bite me in the butt) and I made an effort to make each day a good one. Look for hte positive ya know.

It took a while. I LONG while I might add but I don't know.. some light finally clicked in my thick head and I slowly began to climb out of this pit (THANKS BETH MOORE) that I was in. The pit, I dug and put myself in and allowed myself to continue to wallow in. But I was starting to see some light, and it was good.

I started writing, I bought a house, kids were all doing great, no major health issues to talk about, I finished school (YAY), I was divorced but at that point I could at least say me and the ex were getting along OK, life was making sense. I got in to a relationship that started out as just meeting back up with an old school mate to " I love you". I could sit on the porch and talk to God and I "heard" Him talk back to me. Sound crazy right? But I am so serious. The wind would blow just at the right time, a bird would fly by or things just made sense to me. Believe it or not, God was talking and I was listening for the first time in a VERY LONG TIME.. maybe the first time ever! For a change, things were just going right.

I don't know when, where, why or how that all changed. I just know it did. I think Satan had a part in that. He kinds works like that I imagine. Things going all good, great and he catches you off guard and BAM.. instant confusion in my life.

So hence all the things that seemed so perfect, seemed to fit in my life so well... well the problems started. So I started writing cause I remember going to a shrink once (yeah yeah, a DOCTOR) and her telling me that since I liked to write, why not use that to channel the energy. Now anyone who knows me, KNOWS I do not like, despise, loathe, and yeah, even hate doctors and honestly have no faith in much of what they say. But that stuck so I started writing.. so this is where what Q said comes into play.

See, she has this notion that I am a "fixer". That I live my life forgetting MY stuff and get so involved in other folks stuff that when I DO get stressed,,well, its not a pretty picture. Keeping stuff all bottled up and BOOM.... sonic!

So after long and many sleepless night (which is a whole other issue), I started re thinking some stuff. And hence my posting on here and not to everyone else anymore. Well, for a while anyway cause honestly, I can't give advice, tell you my story, help you or even try until I can find some kind of calm in my own. Only this time, I will document.

***BE WARNED*** if you get easily offended by words, thoughts or suggestions, I will tell you now.. let this be the last blog of mine you read. Cause when it's about me (my issues and stuff going on) all bets are off and the mask comes off. I think I have lost a few friends on that one.

I am not perfect, NEVER EVER will you hear me say or suggest that. I have more issues than a few and for my friends, the real ones who know me.. they read between the lines and don't let me side step with the bull. They call me on it, make me front it head on and deal with it. I love them dearly for that too. cause as much as they hate doing it, it helps more than they will ever know.

I am all typed out for the day but let me close by saying this:

I love my kids more than my own life. There is nothing within my power that I will not do for them. I don't care who likes it, it is what it is. I love my boyfriend. He stole my heart the minute we started talking and has not let go since. I stress him though. I know that. Don't get me wrong, I think we stress each other too! I think that's a part of relationships.. at least I think so anyway. I know he loves me and I really think that we can get thru anything. That's what I pray anyway! My friends are the best... none like them in the world. I love my job, the fact that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I am blessed beyond measure. And more than any of these things, I love my God so much that it makes me cry to think about how He loves me in spite of me. And I know that no matter what I am going through, no matter how stressed I get and no matter how PIGHEADED I can be, HE continues to love me. I know He wants what is best and just wants me to come to Him.. talk and be honest and open. Its not like He doesn't know anyway.

So once again I start a journey that I honestly didn't even think I would have to do again. Maybe this time I will learn....

Until next time....


  1. Ohmygosh....I read this thinking I wrote it. Insane....we are in the same instant. No kidding, Danette...change a few minor details and the boat is the same. I say write on, sister, be real. I never ever believed my fire would wane like this either. But at the same time, I am crying out to God and clinging with all I have.

  2. I love you Paige! Its been a battle for me for months and months now and honestly I have no clue where to begin. You would think that knowing what God did before it would be easy. Or at least that is what everyone tells me. But what they DON'T getis what works for them doesnt work for me. My life is not made the way theirs is and I just keep quiet instead of telling them how I REALLY feel.

    I know God is there for me. I am no idiot, but .. well you knwo how hard it is raising kids alone and trying to make ends meat and the feeling of not being able to do for them. It tears me up man. So I have to get back to basics. MY WAY and start talking to God and foguring out what it is He wants me to do, and how He wants me to do it.

    I love you bunches and call me! Between the two of uss, we can make up a perfect meal and enjoy it on the patio!