What a week it has been. I haven't really talked much to anyone, haven't done alot, kinda keeping a low profile I guess. I'm tired. Worn out. Brain is completely blank of any kind of useful knowledge right now. There are fifty million and one things going on with me. Where to start, where to begin...Let's see, the air conditioner is once again for the I don't know how many times, messed up. I need a new sink cause the one I got is leaking, my daughter thinks the world revolves around her and her friends and if THEY decided not to do something, then all else fails, my car is overheating every other day, I have 2 birthday parties to take the kids to this weekend and baby shower to somehow go to and help with... and you know what I want more than anything in this world right now????? I want a vacation.. just me, no kids, no cell phone or computer, sitting on a beach (if there is no oil spill there), with some kind of tropical alcoholic drink in my hand and just not give a care to what is going on. I wanna have a great big ole straw hat, some big white sunglasses and a long maxi dress with no shoes on. Kinda silly huh? Not to me....
Yesterday was made 12 years since my mom passed away. I recall once someone saying to me something to the effect of " I don't understand how or why after all this time, you still get as emotional and upset about your mom's passing as you do". Another one of those ignorant comments coming from someone who has basically had everything in life handed to them I guess, no real worries or stress I guess unless is trying to figure out if its chicken or pork for dinner. I never really answered that person's comment cause I know that things like that bring out the OLD me, the ghetto me, and yeah I can get pretty ghetto is I have too. Most black folk can I think if pushed hard enough and that was about my limit.
So let me break it down to ya.... My mom.. was one of the smartest, most out going, wittiest, prettiest, WOMEN I have ever known and yeah yeah yeah she was my mom so you would imagine I would say that ANYWAY but I can honestly tell you that anyone you asked, would say the same thing. My mom handled her business and she did it well. She raised a family, took care of a husband, and finally after we were old enough, went back to college, finished her degree and became a teacher just like she had always aspired to be. She was loved and respected by those she worked with, went to church with, were friends with and by me! I have done alot of jacked up shit in my day. Sometimes I still manage to pull off some stupid stunts even at age 37.. but that woman, no matter what I did, always had my back. Now she didn't pussyfoot around. If I messed up, she was all over me to do better but what else are mom's for. She helped get me back on the right path and was always ALWAYS ALWAYS my support system and loved me regardless of what I said or did. I could always call on her no matter what time of day or night and she was there.
I am not proud of this next statement, but it's true and I had a really big struggle with it for a rally long time. I never understood why my mom had to die and some of these jacked up mom's who don't take care of anyone but themselves, these selfish ignorant people walking around here are still here! I mean seems to me that my mom would serve more good ya know. In my head anyway. I would imagine this very statement is why I had such a hard time and still sometimes do. I know God has plans and I do know and BELIEVE that all things work for those who love Him and that He has never and will never leave me as long ans I love and trust Him. So is it a contradiction for me to say " WHy, I don't STILL understand why"? Probably never will and guess what.. the band still plays on. Life does not stop and will not stop b/c I am pissed off at it.
I miss my momma so much. I watch my kids and get really teary eyed knowing that they will never have a Grandparents Day at school, they they can never take pics with them or call and tell how their days was, that they cannot have the privilege of being "spoiled rotten" by them. Its especially hard for my daughter.. she was 3 when her "Grammy" died and she remembers very well what happened. The night my mom died, Bri stayed with a friend of mine and when they were explaining death to her (some of which she actually understood) she said as confident and strongly as she could and with a serious face "Well, I understand all that but if you give me a rope, I can pull her back down from heaven". I just miss my momma more than I could ever explain and honestly, you probably would never comprehend it anyway. So I don't try explaining it anymore...
Tired and worn out are such simple words for what I feel at this very moment. And to be perfectly honest with you, I haven't really talked to God a whole lot this week. You know, sometimes it's easier said than done, but I am trying, I really am.
Life goes on, people come and go and the band continues to play on.