Thursday, August 12, 2010

** So I stopped blogging for everyone a few weeks ago in order to try to get my hard headed self back together. I don't want sympathy or need anyone feeling sorry for me. This is my outlet, my way of venting. This is no way trying to geive any advice to anyone.. actually I am the one who probably needs it the most.**

So I have been reading again. Slowly, but reading. It's called 'So Long Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us' by Beth Moore. Now you know Mrs. Moore is one of my all time favorite women writers. She is so acurate and so straight forward, I wonder sometimes if she knows me personally. So anywho, this book deals with the insecurities that women sometimes have and I seriously recommend it to everyone of you. I haven't finished it yet, but when I do, I will let you know how it turns out.

So lately, more so than ever, my insecurities have reared their ugly head. This was BEFORE I picked up the book too. But I have always had issues w/ insecurity.. never thought I was good enough in any area.. appearance, not really knowing how to handle a relationship, good or bad, being a parent.. you name it. And I think that when things happen, it makes me doubt myself even more. But I was on a roll there for a while and it didn't bother me. And then, about 2 months ago, BAM, like a bolt of lightening, it was there again. And it's odd how it works. I can be fine for the wole day, go home and see one thing and be set off. And thus, the drama begins.... and of course NO ONE understands me or where I am coming from and even if they think they do and start offering all that free advice we so like to give, it goes in one ear and out the other for me. Feeling doomed, I normally get a pint of ice cream, cry and play some stupid computer game to get my mind half way back on track.

But it consumes me to the point that the next day, it's still there and my life is in an uproar. All because I can't seem to get a grip. Side note: I need to learn to keep my business to myself and not be so free to seeking advice..well at least from the wrong people, ungodly people.

But I know I am not the only woman in the world that feels this way. Beth Moore said so (HA)! And try to explain this to a man...well you might as well be talking to a wall b/c they DO NOT understand, DON'T have a clue as to how to fix it and although tryingto be helpful, give us this god awful advice about " being happy w/ who you are". Yeah dude, if it was only that simple.

I know I am not a failure, I have actually had a very blessed life, even through all the trials and drama. I know all of this. But Satan uses every single thing that we hate and that bothers us against us. Hence all the insecurities.

I know that God loves me no matter how I look, what I wear, where I work.. whatever. I know that He loves me for what is really on the inside and yes, that is all I need to really be focused on. Much easier said than done though when we live in the here and now. In the world that is gonna judge every little thingwe say and do and try to twist it around. I know this because I am guilty of it myself.

I don't pray enough. Nope,I don't and I would say that I am very selfish in my praying. I want what I want when I want it becasue I know exactly what is is I need. After all I live with myself everyday.

I have to get to the point where I am content with Christ and Christ alone. Try not to do too many things at one time. Know that as humans, we WILL fail each other so that everything I do should not be based on what I think people will say and do. I'm glad God can see my heart. I will try to delight myself in Him so that He will give me the desires of my heart. All in His time and not mine.

I'm gonna finish that book by this weekend.. I am seriously thinking I need it right now. Until next time... Peace!

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