I often wonder what triggers my emotions. One minute I am fine, life is good, nothing but positive going on and nothing can stop me. But then, a few hours later, today for example, I get the blahs. There is no rhyme or reason for any of it. No one has done anything to me, all really is well in my little world. But the feelings, emotions, mood swings come. Crazy I am not.. let me just put that out there from jump cause I know how people tend to think things, I am just " thinking out loud" to try and figure this out.
Maybe it's the holidays coming up. I mean Halloween was a few days ago and Christmas music and scents are filling the air. Suppose to be a happy time but sometimes I get a little blah during that time of year. Thank God for the kids, or I would be a total scrooge!
Maybe its the whole taking care of kids alone thing. Do not get me wrong at all.. I Love my babies. They are the reason I get up in the morning and do what I do and that's the God's honest truth. But I get tired. I run from the time I get up until after the practices are over and then its home for homework and dinner with bed soon to follow for them. They keep me on my toes with the activities, the wittiness, the laughs... but yeah, I get worn out.
I miss my parents alot. You know, no matter what I had done (good or bad) I could just go and say " this is what happened" and they would fix it. Not fix it in the sense that everything was automatically alright, but in the sense that they talked to me, helped me think things out, and just made me feel better. I look and listen at people today who say things like how their parents make them mad, or they wish this and that. All I can say is I WISH mine were here to do any of those things. I hate that they missed so many things. Missed physically anyway. The grand kids being born, me finally finishing school, alot of things. There was just a real calming feeling I got talking to them. I knew when they spoke, things were going to be okay, no matter how upset I was,. And even if it didn't go the way I wanted, it was still ok. I miss them alot!
Sometimes I sit at my desk at work and look out my window. There is this huge oak tree outside and a park on the other side of that. During the spring, I get to see the birds do their thing, building nests, bringing food in... and fall, like now, the leaves are really pretty. Not a whole bunch of birds, but I like how the leaves and limbs move with the wind when we have it. I am all about calm and peace ( if you haven't figured that out by now).. and I can drift for a minute when I look out there.
I love my job. actually I haven't ever had a job I hated, even when I worked at Wal-Mart after high school. But now, I really feel like God placed me here for a reason. Some of those reason I see everyday, I know exactly why He did it. My job is not hard, but it has to be right in order for things to flow well. I do them ok.. I hope so anyway. The people are nice, they put up with me after all. Some days I can be a real prick.. mornings especially. I have this thing about mornings and coffee and not talking to me too early. Yeah, I know, you don't have to tell me, but it is what it is. But I love them for putting up with me and understanding things that not many employers would. My kids and I am REALLY lucky to have them.
My church.. I mean what can I say about my church family. I love them, I love them, I love them! I think when God decided He needed my parents in heaven, He sent me to Westwood so that I wouldn't feel as alone and have family that would step in whenever I needed them too. Now don't get me wrong, we are not perfect. We don't profess to be, but I can honestly say that everyone there is really about God's business. It's not about us, it's about what they(we) can do to serve others. There was a point in my life when I wasn't so sure about them.. I will admit that to you and most of them know it too. But I will have to thank my kids for this one... when I didn't feel like getting out of bed, when I had partied too much and 9:30 came WAY to early for me, or when I just didn't feel like going.. they always MADE me go. YEP, my kids made me, the adult go to church and participate and until the day I see my mom and dad again, I will never hank them enough. See, its not the building, its the people in it and my kids saw that. They saw love and true friendship and they wanted me to see it too. Took me a minute or maybe two.. but I finally got it and I plan on keeping it a long time!
Then I have these friends. Well I use to have lots and lots of friends, but I learned the hard way that not everyone that calls you friend really is and they actually mean more harm than good so some relationships had to end. That was okay though b/c through that, I found the ones that will stick closer to me than a brother. You know, the ones that tell me just how it is, don't let me get away with CRAP and love me even more?!? That's them! They know me, the real me that not alot of people know or even want to know. And they accept me, flaws and all. All I can say is keep it up cause you know me and my moods.. ever changing like the wind.
Then there is my boyfriend. Even saying that makes me smile the biggest smile ever. God totally blessed me with loving parents, wonderful children, a great job and a loving church and Then after all of that, I get this man in my life, finally, who understands and accepts me, knows that everyday is not going to be perfect, he really cares about my children and their well being, he can tell me to STOP and calm down and say it in loving way because he cares about me, but, and I really honestly know this, feel this and see this... he loves God. Like I have never had that and he knows that everything is in time in God's plan no matter how much my kinda OCD self wants to rush. He is my level head when mine is not so level. There is not a day that goes by that I am not thanking God for him. I have no doubt in my mind that with everything I have been through and done, God was preparing me for him and I love you so very much!
Hmmmm..... I started writing this with a really blah feeling. Knowing it was nothing but Satan playing with me and trying to get me all flustered, but as always for me, writing stuff down, no matter how confusing it sounds to all of you, ends up being something totally different. I imagine I will have blah days, we all will, but realizing the things I have in my life that make those BLAH days a little better.. actually alot better. God is good, I really don't give Him enough of me ya know. For everything I have, I need to be thanking Him every second of the day. There, I have that sense of calm again.. I like it here.
Thanks for letting me vent, share, talk....