Saturday I had a disageement with someone really close to me. I really didn't even think of it as a disagreement until I got home and did my ususal, "start to think thing". And honestly, it was something that could have been avoided, but wasn't. I am not perfect, never profess to be and one of flaws (and I have lots) is the issue of having my way. I didn't grow up like that, but I guess as I got older and things started to happen in my adult life, I got this really hard shell that didn't want to let anyone in, had no intention of doing what anyone else said cause I had put up with that long enough, and I just had to have my way. That also probably came because I am a single mom with three children and I basically make any and all decision in my house.
But last night after I got home, I knew that the attitude, the wanting my way, could possibly make me lose something that I love very much. So last night I prayed really hard before I went to bed. Now again, for those who know me, I don't do the formal prayers. NOTHING is wrong with those mind you, but for me, I have to talk to God like He is the friend sitting right beside me on the patio.
I prayed that the feelings I was having would go away, that I would be humbled and that I started thinking about someone else other than myself at that moment. Then I went to sleep... a very peaceful one I might add.This morning I woke up, my mind was clear, and honestly I didn't have a thought or comment to post on facebook other than to think that I would go to church very open minded and be looking for what God wanted me to. I found it. I still say God has a really good sense of humor because as I sat in my Sunday School class, I had this inner smile and I thought..."alright, I hear you, I hear you and I will do it."
This morning in my class we talked about James 4: 1-10
"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." (1-3)
Hit me like a ton of bricks. See, the dsagreement WAS because of things inside me. I wanted my way, no if's, and's or but' s about it and if I didn't get it, the attitude was coming whether the person realized it or not. And I really don't think they did, but what it was doing inside of me was just as bad. Then someone made a comment about verse 5 - " Or do you thihink Scripture says without reason that the spirirt he caused to live in us envies intensely.?"
Now, I am no Bible scholar and there is alot I do not understand, and it took me a minute to get this until someone said " a perfect example would be a husband and wife. If one spouse is paying more attention to something, it has all their attention, then the other spouse would become jealous. God is like that too. He doesnt want anything coming before Him". Now, I try really hard not to put things before God, but sometimes I think things happen and we don't think anything about it until its done. Again, me. But every single negative feeling, emotion, reaction that happens from us, comes from IN us and its only when we choose to stop or not let the negative feelings control us, that we start to get stuff right.
And verse 6, maybe the one that will stick with me the most " God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Our teacher this morning said humility is about our relationships with each other and choosing to put ourselves last over them. He also said that this is really hard to do with familar relatioinship i.e. -family type situations. This is where it all kinda came together for me and I apologize if none of this makes sense to you, but it's just kinda how I write : )...
It's not about me. Never has been and until I get in my head that it really IS JOY (Jesus, other and then yourself last), that the world as I know it, will make sense. Things will fall into place, I won't have to stress or worry because it did say " Come near to God and he will come near to you."
All that being said, there is nothing left but to say I am sorry (and hope they accept that) and keep reminding myself that it is not all about me. Until next time...Love and blessing!!