God is all knowing, all seeing, all powerful and there is nothing He cannot do if He chooses to. He created us in His image and expects us to love, serve and follow Him and bring as many into the kingdom as we can. Although I believe that we have to pray and ask God for His guidance and answers to anything that is going on with us, good or bad, I also think, that He expects us to use the brain He gave us.

We don't live in the time of Christ when God's voice came from heaven and told people what to do. But that does not mean that we don't have signs and get answers to those prayers we pray.

I use to be really ignorant, someitmes I still am and I would ask and ask and ask and God would anwswer but I really didn't like any of those answers so I either kept praying to try to get some more, ignored it or simply did my own thing beacuse I THOUGHT this was what God wanted me to do. That got me NO WHERE fast!

I always wanted things quickly... fix my marriage.. quickly ... make my kids mind.. quickly... I need money to pay this bill... quickly... I wanna lose weight... QUICK! And although those are some very vaild things, not putting in the work, not praying steadfastly, not really believing that God would intervien, well sometimes, like I said, I had to learn the hard way. "A hard head makes a soft behind". And my behind is mushy soft from doing things on my own all the time!

Quit asking people to co sign with your mess. Quit thinking that if I pray, God HAS to do what I want because its the only thing that makes sense. Quit giving God limits. Keep doing what you are doing on your own, thinking "just give me a little more time" or " maybe if I try this, it might work"... see how far that gets ya.. Take some serious time out and really talk to God... just like you would any parent.. because He IS our Father and knows more than we do. When you really start talking and actually LISTENING and using the brain that God gave us, the answers will be clear. No need in second guessing anything.

What happened to the weekend?

You wait and wait for Friday afternoon to hit. To be able to relax and release. But just as soon as you blink your eyes a few times, Monday has rolled around again. Sighhhh...

It was a "so-so" weekend. I am still in the process of trying to get my groove back and have no clue how to do it. I DO know that I got a message from someone yesterday and she said that she missed seeing me and my comments at Life Group last night and that really made my night. I think that people ( and this is just MY opinion because it's MY blog) think for some reason I seem to have my stuff together. Kids look ok, not dirty or too ill managed in public, we make it to school and church on time and seemingly have a little knowledge so it can't be that bed I guess. And yes, I know there are SO many people in the world who have problems that make mine look like a piece of cake, but my problems are mine and to me, they are big and keep me at a stand still. But no one really ever asks. I mean I get the occasional " How are you doing" but seriously, who REALLY wants to know? NO ONE and you know why.. because they are SO afraid that when they ask, you will start to tell them, which will put them in an awful situation... to help or not to help?? No one wants that kind of pressure and to be perfectly honest with you, I don't have the time or energy to have folks feel sorry for me so I keep it with me. Yeah, not the best but it's what I got.

So THANK YOU to my friend who asked about me not being there and NOT trying to pry or find out any kind of gossip, but genuinely worried.. it really meant alot!

Sigghhhh.. where did my weekend go? All I know if God got me through it and I feel good today. Not sure why, but I have some calm today and I'll take it!!!

Think what you will

But Donnie Walhberg is SUPERRRRRRRRRRRRRR SUPPERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR SEXYYYYYYYYYYYYY .. bless his FINE FINE SOUL!!!!!!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmDi3N-4Ckc&feature=related

And the band plays on...

What a week it has been. I haven't really talked much to anyone, haven't done alot, kinda keeping a low profile I guess. I'm tired. Worn out. Brain is completely blank of any kind of useful knowledge right now. There are fifty million and one things going on with me. Where to start, where to begin...Let's see, the air conditioner is once again for the I don't know how many times, messed up. I need a new sink cause the one I got is leaking, my daughter thinks the world revolves around her and her friends and if THEY decided not to do something, then all else fails, my car is overheating every other day, I have 2 birthday parties to take the kids to this weekend and baby shower to somehow go to and help with... and you know what I want more than anything in this world right now????? I want a vacation.. just me, no kids, no cell phone or computer, sitting on a beach (if there is no oil spill there), with some kind of tropical alcoholic drink in my hand and just not give a care to what is going on. I wanna have a great big ole straw hat, some big white sunglasses and a long maxi dress with no shoes on. Kinda silly huh? Not to me....

Yesterday was made 12 years since my mom passed away. I recall once someone saying to me something to the effect of " I don't understand how or why after all this time, you still get as emotional and upset about your mom's passing as you do". Another one of those ignorant comments coming from someone who has basically had everything in life handed to them I guess, no real worries or stress I guess unless is trying to figure out if its chicken or pork for dinner. I never really answered that person's comment cause I know that things like that bring out the OLD me, the ghetto me, and yeah I can get pretty ghetto is I have too. Most black folk can I think if pushed hard enough and that was about my limit.

So let me break it down to ya.... My mom.. was one of the smartest, most out going, wittiest, prettiest, WOMEN I have ever known and yeah yeah yeah she was my mom so you would imagine I would say that ANYWAY but I can honestly tell you that anyone you asked, would say the same thing. My mom handled her business and she did it well. She raised a family, took care of a husband, and finally after we were old enough, went back to college, finished her degree and became a teacher just like she had always aspired to be. She was loved and respected by those she worked with, went to church with, were friends with and by me! I have done alot of jacked up shit in my day. Sometimes I still manage to pull off some stupid stunts even at age 37.. but that woman, no matter what I did, always had my back. Now she didn't pussyfoot around. If I messed up, she was all over me to do better but what else are mom's for. She helped get me back on the right path and was always ALWAYS ALWAYS my support system and loved me regardless of what I said or did. I could always call on her no matter what time of day or night and she was there.

I am not proud of this next statement, but it's true and I had a really big struggle with it for a rally long time. I never understood why my mom had to die and some of these jacked up mom's who don't take care of anyone but themselves, these selfish ignorant people walking around here are still here! I mean seems to me that my mom would serve more good ya know. In my head anyway. I would imagine this very statement is why I had such a hard time and still sometimes do. I know God has plans and I do know and BELIEVE that all things work for those who love Him and that He has never and will never leave me as long ans I love and trust Him. So is it a contradiction for me to say " WHy, I don't STILL understand why"? Probably never will and guess what.. the band still plays on. Life does not stop and will not stop b/c I am pissed off at it.

I miss my momma so much. I watch my kids and get really teary eyed knowing that they will never have a Grandparents Day at school, they they can never take pics with them or call and tell how their days was, that they cannot have the privilege of being "spoiled rotten" by them. Its especially hard for my daughter.. she was 3 when her "Grammy" died and she remembers very well what happened. The night my mom died, Bri stayed with a friend of mine and when they were explaining death to her (some of which she actually understood) she said as confident and strongly as she could and with a serious face "Well, I understand all that but if you give me a rope, I can pull her back down from heaven". I just miss my momma more than I could ever explain and honestly, you probably would never comprehend it anyway. So I don't try explaining it anymore...

Tired and worn out are such simple words for what I feel at this very moment. And to be perfectly honest with you, I haven't really talked to God a whole lot this week. You know, sometimes it's easier said than done, but I am trying, I really am.

Life goes on, people come and go and the band continues to play on.

WHYYYY on earth?!?!?!?!?!

are they actually producing a movie and publishing a book of memoirs on this boy?? Like OK call me a hater, c all me jealous, I don't care but are you KIDDING ME right now??? My life is SOOO much more interesting and I got alot more to tell. This is really a sad sad joke. I cringe at the money that will be spent on this and how much they will make off the kiddos (not mine) and look at the economy and the world. Sad man, just sad.....


http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100803/ap_en_ce/us_people_justin_bieber

So I know that this is NOT going to make sense to alot of people, so I mean if you get confused easily, you probably wanna stop reading now. The way my mind works, I will start on one subject and by the time I am done, it will be something totally different. Just be warned......

Hmmmmm...so I talked with a friend of mine. She is a single mommy too and we share similar stories. You know sometimes I really think that God picks out special people to be single parents. Not that married people can't be special and not that we have any more gifts than the next person, but I cannot tell you how many times I have heard " Oh, my husband is out of town and I had the kids for this particular week and I now know just how you feel being alone and taking care of the kids by yourself"

Ahhhh, no, you don't. And I actually get really offended and taken aback when they say it to me.

Now, I understand what they mean and I know that the majority of them are not being asses, they really are TRYING to understand and have sympathy. But I say, take mine for a month or two and then come back and talk to me.

But God, well, He knows a whole lot more than we do. And honestly, my being single had alot to do with selfishness on the part of my ex husband AND me so I can't blame anyone for that. But I guess God knew that even if I had to do this alone, I could do it. I seriously doubt He would entrust them in my care if He didn't think I could fit the bill. Sometimes though I wish He didn't have so much faith in me. I know He knows I get tried, discouraged, my brain actually goes in slow motion alot. More so lately than ever. The past few months have also seen its share of panic attacks. I use to have those things everyday and when I finally started figuring out what it was God wanted me to do (or so I thought anyway) they went away. So I guess lately since I THINK I have or had it all figured out, stupid things came back. So I am like GREAT.. on top of everything else, now I gotta deal with this again. Peaches.....

But one really good thing happened yesterday, well I guess maybe 3.. the kids had a great first day of school. The little one went, NOT WANTING TO go with that patch on his eye at all. But what is the first thing we see when we walk in class.. another little boy who has the same condition AND glasses with a patch also. It made my baby feel better. The middle one is in 5th grade now and they are upstairs in the school. He didn't want me to walk him to class.. too big for that now. But I did anyway and fought back those tears cause they were coming. And the oldest... all I can say is
10th grade.... WOWWWW. They are growing up right before my eyes, over night and for as much as my life to me seems jacked up... somewhere, somehow, I got a few things right because I have good kids.

Sigh.... all typed out early today. Maybe more tomorrow.. until then...

Gonna find me.. somehow!

It's been a week since my fingers picked up a pen or typed on my blogs. I seriously debated just picking up, taking the kids and leaving. Now where to or even how, that's a mystery, but the thought was there. My friend Q says I have too much going on. She seems to think I am so busy worried about everyone else, that I can't sit long enough to figure out what it is I want or need. Maybe. I know that stress kills. I know that keeping things in tends to be hazardous to my health (and those around me). I know that praying helps. I know that God listens. I know that no one is perfect and in life, we are going to have trials and issues that seems to be the end of our worlds. I know that life is going to go on no matter what we chose to do each day (well at least until Jesus comes back anyway. And I know that crying really IS good for the soul. Mine anyway.

Somehow I gotta get back to ME. I mean I know it's not about me so please don't get it twisted. By ME I mean, I gotta figure out what happened to that fire that I had that seems to have burned out. There was this point that I had so much crap going on, probably more than the people who know a LITTLE know about, so much stuff I was doing and was into that was probably not so good. I mean literally had gotten to a point that I figured God would strike me dead if I sneezed wrong. So I started praying, and I mean REALLY praying hard that things changed. That they started looking up and not for me, but for my family, the kids, because I was not showing them any kind of right example (some things are still coming back to bite me in the butt) and I made an effort to make each day a good one. Look for hte positive ya know.

It took a while. I LONG while I might add but I don't know.. some light finally clicked in my thick head and I slowly began to climb out of this pit (THANKS BETH MOORE) that I was in. The pit, I dug and put myself in and allowed myself to continue to wallow in. But I was starting to see some light, and it was good.

I started writing, I bought a house, kids were all doing great, no major health issues to talk about, I finished school (YAY), I was divorced but at that point I could at least say me and the ex were getting along OK, life was making sense. I got in to a relationship that started out as just meeting back up with an old school mate to " I love you". I could sit on the porch and talk to God and I "heard" Him talk back to me. Sound crazy right? But I am so serious. The wind would blow just at the right time, a bird would fly by or things just made sense to me. Believe it or not, God was talking and I was listening for the first time in a VERY LONG TIME.. maybe the first time ever! For a change, things were just going right.

I don't know when, where, why or how that all changed. I just know it did. I think Satan had a part in that. He kinds works like that I imagine. Things going all good, great and he catches you off guard and BAM.. instant confusion in my life.

So hence all the things that seemed so perfect, seemed to fit in my life so well... well the problems started. So I started writing cause I remember going to a shrink once (yeah yeah, a DOCTOR) and her telling me that since I liked to write, why not use that to channel the energy. Now anyone who knows me, KNOWS I do not like, despise, loathe, and yeah, even hate doctors and honestly have no faith in much of what they say. But that stuck so I started writing.. so this is where what Q said comes into play.

See, she has this notion that I am a "fixer". That I live my life forgetting MY stuff and get so involved in other folks stuff that when I DO get stressed,,well, its not a pretty picture. Keeping stuff all bottled up and BOOM.... sonic!

So after long and many sleepless night (which is a whole other issue), I started re thinking some stuff. And hence my posting on here and not to everyone else anymore. Well, for a while anyway cause honestly, I can't give advice, tell you my story, help you or even try until I can find some kind of calm in my own. Only this time, I will document.



***BE WARNED*** if you get easily offended by words, thoughts or suggestions, I will tell you now.. let this be the last blog of mine you read. Cause when it's about me (my issues and stuff going on) all bets are off and the mask comes off. I think I have lost a few friends on that one.

I am not perfect, NEVER EVER will you hear me say or suggest that. I have more issues than a few and for my friends, the real ones who know me.. they read between the lines and don't let me side step with the bull. They call me on it, make me front it head on and deal with it. I love them dearly for that too. cause as much as they hate doing it, it helps more than they will ever know.

I am all typed out for the day but let me close by saying this:

I love my kids more than my own life. There is nothing within my power that I will not do for them. I don't care who likes it, it is what it is. I love my boyfriend. He stole my heart the minute we started talking and has not let go since. I stress him though. I know that. Don't get me wrong, I think we stress each other too! I think that's a part of relationships.. at least I think so anyway. I know he loves me and I really think that we can get thru anything. That's what I pray anyway! My friends are the best... none like them in the world. I love my job, the fact that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I am blessed beyond measure. And more than any of these things, I love my God so much that it makes me cry to think about how He loves me in spite of me. And I know that no matter what I am going through, no matter how stressed I get and no matter how PIGHEADED I can be, HE continues to love me. I know He wants what is best and just wants me to come to Him.. talk and be honest and open. Its not like He doesn't know anyway.

So once again I start a journey that I honestly didn't even think I would have to do again. Maybe this time I will learn....

Until next time....