When I got pregnant the 2nd (and 3rd time), I prayed for a little girl. I already had one and I really wanted a house full of women. There was something about just dressing them up like little dolls, frilly dresses and bows that made me smile. And after all, by the time Brianna was 3, dresses were OUT for her since she liked playing in dirt and throwing balls in the front yard. God, in His infinite and great wisdom, gave me 2 perfect little boys. Today, I SCREAM out THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! I love my daughter more than words could ever tell, but we are so much alike, that we butt heads more times than a few. I pick at a friend of mine all the time because she has 3 little girls and I tell her all the time " Just wait". Something about alot of women in one place........ WHEW!!

As my daughter has gotten older, she seems to think that I don't know much about anything. She doesn't feel like she can tell me anything about what goes on in her life because I would "not understand" since she thinks I have never had a problem in my life. Well high school problem anyway. So I just try to explain and tell her that no matter what she goes through, it may not be exactly the same but I bet I have been through similar and if she wants to talk, all she has to do is ask.

As an adult, even after knowing this about my daughter, I feel the same way too. There are alot of things I keep to myself, try to fix on my own for the very same reason. No one understands so how could they help.Maybe you have thought the same thing. But even through all of your and my frustrations and problems, God knows exactly what we are going through. He sees it, hears our crys and feels it in our souls. He not only knows but he cares. I mean this is the same God who can count every hair on all of our heads. If he can care about birds flying in the skies, what they eat and drink, I know for a fact that He cares and loves the people He created. And because He cares for us, we can go to Him, give in every problem we have and leave it there. No worries, no stresses, no problems.. the End.

God loves all of His children and He does not want us stressing about anything. Pray and believe God will help us and He will.

I pray you all had a blessed weekend and have an even better week! Until next time, Lord willing

When everything seems to be going wrong around you, it is really easy to focus on that. Its' all you think about. But maybe, a key to the happiness we all want and seek is even in the bad times, thanking God for the blessings He has given us. Our lives are not always going to be easy, things are not going to go our way and there are going to be points of breakdown, but even with all of that Paul still says "Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice."

I admit, I am the world's worst when it comes to trying to remain positive when things get hard, but with constant reminders around me, I am doing better and better each day. SLOWLY, but better. God wants us to pray about things that get us down and keep us from being who we ought to be. So, that's what I continue to do and as the saying and scripture goes, season come and go, but this too shall pass.

I hope you are all having a wonderful day. And just to let you know what a wonderful day this morning turned out to be... my very best friend had her 1st baby (and my goddaughter) last night around 11:00pm ( yep Tomecca, she shares your birthday... happy belated!!!) Jessica Ann, 8 lbs, 3ozs and everyone is doing great! God is good!!

"Be blessed and be a blessing"

Dear God, Thank you for this morning. Thank you for showing me Your truths and helping me day by day to discern right from wrong. I don't always get it right. Satan makes me doubt. I use to think it was God sending me messages.. woman's intuition you know but I am starting to realize that sometimes Satan has his way of taking one situation and making it into a million little ones that cause me to doubt myself and others around me. But I know that you have given me the tools I need daily to fight and stand up. Thank you for being there to listen to me, help me, guide me and comfort me. You already know what's in store for today. The things I have to do and deal with and I pray that you be there with me every step of the way, being the Father that only You can be. Help me not to get discouraged and down. Make my heart clean and pure, life my spirits. In everything, make it not about me and my needs and wants, but about You and Your glory. In Christ name........

It was a really long week last week and all I could think was "where is Friday and can you get here sooner???" The motor died in my car, so I am on the search for something else (NOT FUN!!), softball all week long and it was hot out, kids had a million and one things due last week for school and it's just the third week and by the time Friday came, I just wanted to relax. To take out my frustrations, I decided (with a really wonderful friend of mine) to paint the boy's room over. It needed it really bad and at the time, it sounded like a good idea to her and me. Tony even volunteered to help us out and between the three of us, it turned out really good for amateurs. This weekend was going to be one of those that I was going to be distracted very easily because of all the things that had happened the week before and because of those two, well, they keep me focused, kept me laughing and smiling and basically told me to trust that God would take care of me.

If you are anything like me, change is not what I wanna do. I am comfortable in my skin, comfortable doing what I have always done and get really scared when things are done a little different. It's a hard pill to swallow sometimes, complete trust and as much as we all know God is the only way, we still try to figure things out our way. But learning to trust God means changing everything we know, everything we are use too and knowing that He has our best interest at heart. And then be able to honestly say.... "it's gonna be okay".

It rained most of the weekend and I got the chance to just sit outside some and soak it in. Hope you all got to enjoy it as well. Love you all and Lord willing, we will talk again soon. Be blessed....

I struggle with really being happy and content with me just like I am. Always trying to find ways to change things up, say and do the right things for the right people just to fit in I guess. And it's funny to me that alot of people do it and don't even realize it. How many times has someone said or done something that you don't necessarily agree with or even know is wrong and never opened your mouth? How many times have you bought new things to try to fit in with the Joneses? How many times have you compromised principles just to remain friends with people who you probably didn't need to be friends with anyway? And don't think it just happens in the "world"...happens in church just as much.

I had the best conversation last night at dinner with someone who is one of the "realest" people I know. There was no topic that was off limits and I got some real and honest answers. And you know what? Satan works hard at stealing our confidence but God loves us just the way we are, flaws and all. He created each and every one of us differently so that we could ALL bring something different to the table. And being different is not always a bad thing. We need to stop trying to impress people with our big words and flashy things and start concentrating on God and what it is He wants. We need to stop allowing people to determine our self worth (one of my struggles mind you) and start seeing ourselves as God sees us... His children.

I am a single black woman. I thank God for being able to finish school, have a job, take care of my kids, allow them to be involved in some of the things they like. I am thankful for my multi colored house that some people find "odd" because I guess black people shouldn't have 5 different rooms that are five different BRIGHT colors of the rainbow. I will take old and antique over new and sparkly any day. I have two tattoos and look forward to my third and last one. Mac and cheese is my favorite food. I like sitting on my old wood porch watching the squirrels and writing in my journals. I am nothing like any of you, we probably don't have alot in common but as Christians, we are all members of God's family and our ultimate goal should all be the same.

I pray you all have a wonderful and safe weekend. I have said it before, it' about getting to really know people. Never assume anything and be willing and open to some new things you can learn from other around you. God wants us taking as many people to heaven with us to be with Him so what are you waiting on??

"Be blessed and be a blessing".....

I wrote this blog a while ago. I actually have been writing this whole time but to be honest with you, Satan had me thinking and believing stuff about myself and I didn't want to be here. I really didn't think I would ever get back to that point in my life and then yesterday happened. It amazes me how so much can change in your life in just a few hours, things that make you know ONCE AGAIN who you have to turn to at all times. good and bad. Satan knew that I was trying to get my life back on track, one that would lead me to seeing God one day and he used every trick, every insecurity I had to bait me and get me off track. So I will share with you what I wrote a while ago. A little much for some maybe, a little open, but really what's in and on my heart. So much has happened and last night I was literally at my breaking point but I had a conversation, a short on with a really good friend who reminded me that Satan hates it when God is first. That when you can be decisive, discern and know God will, well, that's when he sits up and comes up with was to bring us down.


It's been a week since my fingers picked up a pen or typed on my blogs. I seriously debated just picking up, taking the kids and leaving. Now where to or even how, that's a mystery, but the thought was there. My friend Q says I have too much going on. She seems to think I am so busy worried about everyone else, that I can't sit long enough to figure out what it is I want or need. Maybe. I know that stress kills. I know that keeping things in tends to be hazardous to my health (and those around me). I know that praying helps. I know that God listens. I know that no one is perfect and in life, we are going to have trials and issues that seems to be the end of our worlds. I know that life is going to go on no matter what we chose to do each day (well at least until Jesus comes back anyway. And I know that crying really IS good for the soul. Mine anyway.

Somehow I gotta get back to ME. I mean I know it's not about me so please don't get it twisted. By ME I mean, I gotta figure out what happened to that fire that I had that seems to have burned out. There was this point that I had so much crap going on, so much stuff I was doing and was into that was probably not so good. I mean literally had gotten to a point that I figured God would strike me dead if I sneezed wrong. So I started praying, and I mean REALLY praying hard that things changed. That they started looking up and not for me, but for my family, the kids, because I was not showing them any kind of right example (some things are still coming back to bite me in the butt) and I made an effort to make each day a good one. Look for the positive ya know.

It took a while. I LONG while I might add but I don't know.. some light finally clicked in my thick head and I slowly began to climb out of this pit (THANKS BETH MOORE) that I was in. The pit, I dug and put myself in and allowed myself to continue to wallow in. But I was starting to see some light, and it was good.

I started writing, I bought a house, kids were all doing great, no major health issues to talk about, I finished school (YAY), I was divorced but at that point I could at least say me and the ex were getting along OK, life was making sense. I got in to a relationship that started out as just meeting back up with an old school mate to " I love you". I could sit on the porch and talk to God and I "heard" Him talk back to me. Sound crazy right? But I am so serious. The wind would blow just at the right time, a bird would fly by or things just made sense to me. Believe it or not, God was talking and I was listening for the first time in a VERY LONG TIME.. maybe the first time ever! For a change, things were just going right.

I don't know when, where, why or how that all changed. I just know it did. I think Satan had a part in that. He kinds works like that I imagine. Things going all good, great and he catches you off guard and BAM.. instant confusion in my life.

So hence all the things that seemed so perfect, seemed to fit in my life so well... well the problems started. So I started writing cause I remember going to a shrink once (yeah yeah, a DOCTOR) and her telling me that since I liked to write, why not use that to channel the energy. Now anyone who knows me, KNOWS I do not like, despise, loathe, and yeah, even hate doctors and honestly have no faith in much of what they say. But that stuck so I started writing.. so this is where what Q said comes into play.

See, she has this notion that I am a "fixer". That I live my life forgetting MY stuff and get so involved in other folks stuff that when I DO get stressed,,well, its not a pretty picture. Keeping stuff all bottled up and BOOM.... sonic!

So after long and many sleepless night (which is a whole other issue), I started re thinking some stuff. And hence my posting on here and not to everyone else anymore. Well, for a while anyway cause honestly, I can't give advice, tell you my story, help you or even try until I can find some kind of calm in my own. Only this time, I will document.

***BE WARNED*** if you get easily offended by words, thoughts or suggestions, I will tell you now.. let this be the last blog of mine you read. Cause when it's about me (my issues and stuff going on) all bets are off and the mask comes off. I think I have lost a few friends on that one.

I am not perfect, NEVER EVER will you hear me say or suggest that. I have more issues than a few and for my friends, the real ones who know me.. they read between the lines and don't let me side step with the bull. They call me on it, make me front it head on and deal with it. I love them dearly for that too. cause as much as they hate doing it, it helps more than they will ever know.

I am all typed out for the day but let me close by saying this:

I love my kids more than my own life. There is nothing within my power that I will not do for them. I don't care who likes it, it is what it is. I love my boyfriend. He stole my heart the minute we started talking and has not let go since. I stress him though. I know that. Don't get me wrong, I think we stress each other too! I think that's a part of relationships.. at least I think so anyway. I know he loves me and I really think that we can get thru anything. That's what I pray anyway! My friends are the best... none like them in the world. I love my job, the fact that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I am blessed beyond measure. And more than any of these things, I love my God so much that it makes me cry to think about how He loves me in spite of me. And I know that no matter what I am going through, no matter how stressed I get and no matter how PIGHEADED I can be, HE continues to love me. I know He wants what is best and just wants me to come to Him.. talk and be honest and open. Its not like He doesn't know anyway.

So once again I start a journey that I honestly didn't even think I would have to do again. Maybe this time I will learn....

Until next time....

So with that blog I will end by saying this. I gave up. Satan, in a very short period of time had taken what it took me so long to "fix", made my life again a living hell. But after yesterday, after my conversation, I know that giving up again is not an option. I WILL be here for my friends no matter what anyone says. We gotta stick together ya know because we are all we have. I WILL make sure that my kids get the best in me. I have not been doing that much lately b/c I have been sulking and that has to stop. I WILL pray and concentrate more. Satan really hates that I think and I already know he is working on ways to get me distracted again, but I have to be strong in the faith. I WILL make sure God is first and everything else takes a back seat. I think we say that, and try to mean it, but we show something totally different, well I do anyway so that is my goal, my mission.

So really, until next time, Lord willing,

Emotional rollercoasters, softabll games, sitting in the rain and me... not necessarily in that order

I have to praise God in the good and bad, even though I don't want to at times. Just being honest. Sometimes I wanna sulk in my own self pity, sighing and moping around like nobodies business and dare anyone try to be positive. Leave me and let me do me. Or something like that anyway, but God.. Oh God.. He does ntop think like me and has this thing about letting me be and do ME... He's not very fond of it and tends to wanna step in at what I feel sometimes are the most awful moments to get me back in line. I kick and scream to do it my way, but alas, I have to give in. He wins (ALWAYS in case you were wondering) and I do it His way. Funny thing is, it works.

Last night I was a total and awful ass to my boyfriend. He didn't do a thing although I bet he was racking his brain trying to figure out what he had done. Spazz is my middle name among a million others. See, I was just having a day I guess and of course yo can't take it out on just anyone, it's gotta be someone close to you, someone who will take it cause they know you have issues every once in a while. But it's not really fair to him or me. I'm sorry.. that's all I can say. He will probably never read this blog cause I don't think he even knows I still write but I will call him in a minute and tell him what a jerk I was and apologize and pray he accepts it. Sigh......

It rained this past weekend and OH MY it was wonderful. Even though I have a hard time understand what God has in mind for my life, I KNOW that He gave me that rain to calm my nerves and to make me realize that He is still there for me. Rain is ALWAYS my sign from God and I can sit outside.. listen... and just hear Him. Sometimes I wished it rained everyday....

Our first softball game is today.. Albany High School that is. My daughter's 2nd year in high school and 2nd yer on the varsity team. She is excited and I am excited for her. We fuss alot and I chalk that up to her being a teenager and me getting old, but I love her and want the best for her no matter what. I probably need to show her that more and do a better job at it. I slack in that area and I need to be praying more about it.

My friend Jazzmine is back live n the radio. 98.1 to be exact, right after Steve Harvey and that makes me smile cause if i am in a mood, I can text her and she will play my song and make me smile. Love her to pieces.

Without Quanda telling me to get my crap together and quit whining most days, I probably would have lost my job by now b/c of depression. I suffer from that ya know... well maybe you didn't. I don't take medicine for it anymore, even though I should. I would imagine it would help me get through MORE days w/o my temper tantrums. Eh.... I just keep praying and e-mailing her daily, hope she don't get tired of me!

I am a blessed woman and I know that. I have wonderful, smart, funny cute kids who put up w/ a crazed mommy sometimes, I have a handful of friends that wouldn't judge me no matter what craziness I did but would step to me and tell me to correct it in a heartbeat, I have a wonderful, sweet, intelligent man who loves me even when I put him through my mood swings but most of all and probably, nope, it IS the best things of all is that I have a God who is more committed to me. loves me more than I could ever imagine and who will stick by me even in my roughest moments and be ready to give me His hand to hold as I keep plugging along. There is nothing else I need.

** So I stopped blogging for everyone a few weeks ago in order to try to get my hard headed self back together. I don't want sympathy or need anyone feeling sorry for me. This is my outlet, my way of venting. This is no way trying to geive any advice to anyone.. actually I am the one who probably needs it the most.**

So I have been reading again. Slowly, but reading. It's called 'So Long Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us' by Beth Moore. Now you know Mrs. Moore is one of my all time favorite women writers. She is so acurate and so straight forward, I wonder sometimes if she knows me personally. So anywho, this book deals with the insecurities that women sometimes have and I seriously recommend it to everyone of you. I haven't finished it yet, but when I do, I will let you know how it turns out.

So lately, more so than ever, my insecurities have reared their ugly head. This was BEFORE I picked up the book too. But I have always had issues w/ insecurity.. never thought I was good enough in any area.. appearance, not really knowing how to handle a relationship, good or bad, being a parent.. you name it. And I think that when things happen, it makes me doubt myself even more. But I was on a roll there for a while and it didn't bother me. And then, about 2 months ago, BAM, like a bolt of lightening, it was there again. And it's odd how it works. I can be fine for the wole day, go home and see one thing and be set off. And thus, the drama begins.... and of course NO ONE understands me or where I am coming from and even if they think they do and start offering all that free advice we so like to give, it goes in one ear and out the other for me. Feeling doomed, I normally get a pint of ice cream, cry and play some stupid computer game to get my mind half way back on track.

But it consumes me to the point that the next day, it's still there and my life is in an uproar. All because I can't seem to get a grip. Side note: I need to learn to keep my business to myself and not be so free to seeking advice..well at least from the wrong people, ungodly people.

But I know I am not the only woman in the world that feels this way. Beth Moore said so (HA)! And try to explain this to a man...well you might as well be talking to a wall b/c they DO NOT understand, DON'T have a clue as to how to fix it and although tryingto be helpful, give us this god awful advice about " being happy w/ who you are". Yeah dude, if it was only that simple.

I know I am not a failure, I have actually had a very blessed life, even through all the trials and drama. I know all of this. But Satan uses every single thing that we hate and that bothers us against us. Hence all the insecurities.

I know that God loves me no matter how I look, what I wear, where I work.. whatever. I know that He loves me for what is really on the inside and yes, that is all I need to really be focused on. Much easier said than done though when we live in the here and now. In the world that is gonna judge every little thingwe say and do and try to twist it around. I know this because I am guilty of it myself.

I don't pray enough. Nope,I don't and I would say that I am very selfish in my praying. I want what I want when I want it becasue I know exactly what is is I need. After all I live with myself everyday.

I have to get to the point where I am content with Christ and Christ alone. Try not to do too many things at one time. Know that as humans, we WILL fail each other so that everything I do should not be based on what I think people will say and do. I'm glad God can see my heart. I will try to delight myself in Him so that He will give me the desires of my heart. All in His time and not mine.


I'm gonna finish that book by this weekend.. I am seriously thinking I need it right now. Until next time... Peace!

God is all knowing, all seeing, all powerful and there is nothing He cannot do if He chooses to. He created us in His image and expects us to love, serve and follow Him and bring as many into the kingdom as we can. Although I believe that we have to pray and ask God for His guidance and answers to anything that is going on with us, good or bad, I also think, that He expects us to use the brain He gave us.

We don't live in the time of Christ when God's voice came from heaven and told people what to do. But that does not mean that we don't have signs and get answers to those prayers we pray.

I use to be really ignorant, someitmes I still am and I would ask and ask and ask and God would anwswer but I really didn't like any of those answers so I either kept praying to try to get some more, ignored it or simply did my own thing beacuse I THOUGHT this was what God wanted me to do. That got me NO WHERE fast!

I always wanted things quickly... fix my marriage.. quickly ... make my kids mind.. quickly... I need money to pay this bill... quickly... I wanna lose weight... QUICK! And although those are some very vaild things, not putting in the work, not praying steadfastly, not really believing that God would intervien, well sometimes, like I said, I had to learn the hard way. "A hard head makes a soft behind". And my behind is mushy soft from doing things on my own all the time!

Quit asking people to co sign with your mess. Quit thinking that if I pray, God HAS to do what I want because its the only thing that makes sense. Quit giving God limits. Keep doing what you are doing on your own, thinking "just give me a little more time" or " maybe if I try this, it might work"... see how far that gets ya.. Take some serious time out and really talk to God... just like you would any parent.. because He IS our Father and knows more than we do. When you really start talking and actually LISTENING and using the brain that God gave us, the answers will be clear. No need in second guessing anything.

What happened to the weekend?

You wait and wait for Friday afternoon to hit. To be able to relax and release. But just as soon as you blink your eyes a few times, Monday has rolled around again. Sighhhh...

It was a "so-so" weekend. I am still in the process of trying to get my groove back and have no clue how to do it. I DO know that I got a message from someone yesterday and she said that she missed seeing me and my comments at Life Group last night and that really made my night. I think that people ( and this is just MY opinion because it's MY blog) think for some reason I seem to have my stuff together. Kids look ok, not dirty or too ill managed in public, we make it to school and church on time and seemingly have a little knowledge so it can't be that bed I guess. And yes, I know there are SO many people in the world who have problems that make mine look like a piece of cake, but my problems are mine and to me, they are big and keep me at a stand still. But no one really ever asks. I mean I get the occasional " How are you doing" but seriously, who REALLY wants to know? NO ONE and you know why.. because they are SO afraid that when they ask, you will start to tell them, which will put them in an awful situation... to help or not to help?? No one wants that kind of pressure and to be perfectly honest with you, I don't have the time or energy to have folks feel sorry for me so I keep it with me. Yeah, not the best but it's what I got.

So THANK YOU to my friend who asked about me not being there and NOT trying to pry or find out any kind of gossip, but genuinely worried.. it really meant alot!

Sigghhhh.. where did my weekend go? All I know if God got me through it and I feel good today. Not sure why, but I have some calm today and I'll take it!!!

Think what you will

But Donnie Walhberg is SUPERRRRRRRRRRRRRR SUPPERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR SEXYYYYYYYYYYYYY .. bless his FINE FINE SOUL!!!!!!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmDi3N-4Ckc&feature=related

And the band plays on...

What a week it has been. I haven't really talked much to anyone, haven't done alot, kinda keeping a low profile I guess. I'm tired. Worn out. Brain is completely blank of any kind of useful knowledge right now. There are fifty million and one things going on with me. Where to start, where to begin...Let's see, the air conditioner is once again for the I don't know how many times, messed up. I need a new sink cause the one I got is leaking, my daughter thinks the world revolves around her and her friends and if THEY decided not to do something, then all else fails, my car is overheating every other day, I have 2 birthday parties to take the kids to this weekend and baby shower to somehow go to and help with... and you know what I want more than anything in this world right now????? I want a vacation.. just me, no kids, no cell phone or computer, sitting on a beach (if there is no oil spill there), with some kind of tropical alcoholic drink in my hand and just not give a care to what is going on. I wanna have a great big ole straw hat, some big white sunglasses and a long maxi dress with no shoes on. Kinda silly huh? Not to me....

Yesterday was made 12 years since my mom passed away. I recall once someone saying to me something to the effect of " I don't understand how or why after all this time, you still get as emotional and upset about your mom's passing as you do". Another one of those ignorant comments coming from someone who has basically had everything in life handed to them I guess, no real worries or stress I guess unless is trying to figure out if its chicken or pork for dinner. I never really answered that person's comment cause I know that things like that bring out the OLD me, the ghetto me, and yeah I can get pretty ghetto is I have too. Most black folk can I think if pushed hard enough and that was about my limit.

So let me break it down to ya.... My mom.. was one of the smartest, most out going, wittiest, prettiest, WOMEN I have ever known and yeah yeah yeah she was my mom so you would imagine I would say that ANYWAY but I can honestly tell you that anyone you asked, would say the same thing. My mom handled her business and she did it well. She raised a family, took care of a husband, and finally after we were old enough, went back to college, finished her degree and became a teacher just like she had always aspired to be. She was loved and respected by those she worked with, went to church with, were friends with and by me! I have done alot of jacked up shit in my day. Sometimes I still manage to pull off some stupid stunts even at age 37.. but that woman, no matter what I did, always had my back. Now she didn't pussyfoot around. If I messed up, she was all over me to do better but what else are mom's for. She helped get me back on the right path and was always ALWAYS ALWAYS my support system and loved me regardless of what I said or did. I could always call on her no matter what time of day or night and she was there.

I am not proud of this next statement, but it's true and I had a really big struggle with it for a rally long time. I never understood why my mom had to die and some of these jacked up mom's who don't take care of anyone but themselves, these selfish ignorant people walking around here are still here! I mean seems to me that my mom would serve more good ya know. In my head anyway. I would imagine this very statement is why I had such a hard time and still sometimes do. I know God has plans and I do know and BELIEVE that all things work for those who love Him and that He has never and will never leave me as long ans I love and trust Him. So is it a contradiction for me to say " WHy, I don't STILL understand why"? Probably never will and guess what.. the band still plays on. Life does not stop and will not stop b/c I am pissed off at it.

I miss my momma so much. I watch my kids and get really teary eyed knowing that they will never have a Grandparents Day at school, they they can never take pics with them or call and tell how their days was, that they cannot have the privilege of being "spoiled rotten" by them. Its especially hard for my daughter.. she was 3 when her "Grammy" died and she remembers very well what happened. The night my mom died, Bri stayed with a friend of mine and when they were explaining death to her (some of which she actually understood) she said as confident and strongly as she could and with a serious face "Well, I understand all that but if you give me a rope, I can pull her back down from heaven". I just miss my momma more than I could ever explain and honestly, you probably would never comprehend it anyway. So I don't try explaining it anymore...

Tired and worn out are such simple words for what I feel at this very moment. And to be perfectly honest with you, I haven't really talked to God a whole lot this week. You know, sometimes it's easier said than done, but I am trying, I really am.

Life goes on, people come and go and the band continues to play on.

WHYYYY on earth?!?!?!?!?!

are they actually producing a movie and publishing a book of memoirs on this boy?? Like OK call me a hater, c all me jealous, I don't care but are you KIDDING ME right now??? My life is SOOO much more interesting and I got alot more to tell. This is really a sad sad joke. I cringe at the money that will be spent on this and how much they will make off the kiddos (not mine) and look at the economy and the world. Sad man, just sad.....


http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100803/ap_en_ce/us_people_justin_bieber

So I know that this is NOT going to make sense to alot of people, so I mean if you get confused easily, you probably wanna stop reading now. The way my mind works, I will start on one subject and by the time I am done, it will be something totally different. Just be warned......

Hmmmmm...so I talked with a friend of mine. She is a single mommy too and we share similar stories. You know sometimes I really think that God picks out special people to be single parents. Not that married people can't be special and not that we have any more gifts than the next person, but I cannot tell you how many times I have heard " Oh, my husband is out of town and I had the kids for this particular week and I now know just how you feel being alone and taking care of the kids by yourself"

Ahhhh, no, you don't. And I actually get really offended and taken aback when they say it to me.

Now, I understand what they mean and I know that the majority of them are not being asses, they really are TRYING to understand and have sympathy. But I say, take mine for a month or two and then come back and talk to me.

But God, well, He knows a whole lot more than we do. And honestly, my being single had alot to do with selfishness on the part of my ex husband AND me so I can't blame anyone for that. But I guess God knew that even if I had to do this alone, I could do it. I seriously doubt He would entrust them in my care if He didn't think I could fit the bill. Sometimes though I wish He didn't have so much faith in me. I know He knows I get tried, discouraged, my brain actually goes in slow motion alot. More so lately than ever. The past few months have also seen its share of panic attacks. I use to have those things everyday and when I finally started figuring out what it was God wanted me to do (or so I thought anyway) they went away. So I guess lately since I THINK I have or had it all figured out, stupid things came back. So I am like GREAT.. on top of everything else, now I gotta deal with this again. Peaches.....

But one really good thing happened yesterday, well I guess maybe 3.. the kids had a great first day of school. The little one went, NOT WANTING TO go with that patch on his eye at all. But what is the first thing we see when we walk in class.. another little boy who has the same condition AND glasses with a patch also. It made my baby feel better. The middle one is in 5th grade now and they are upstairs in the school. He didn't want me to walk him to class.. too big for that now. But I did anyway and fought back those tears cause they were coming. And the oldest... all I can say is
10th grade.... WOWWWW. They are growing up right before my eyes, over night and for as much as my life to me seems jacked up... somewhere, somehow, I got a few things right because I have good kids.

Sigh.... all typed out early today. Maybe more tomorrow.. until then...

Gonna find me.. somehow!

It's been a week since my fingers picked up a pen or typed on my blogs. I seriously debated just picking up, taking the kids and leaving. Now where to or even how, that's a mystery, but the thought was there. My friend Q says I have too much going on. She seems to think I am so busy worried about everyone else, that I can't sit long enough to figure out what it is I want or need. Maybe. I know that stress kills. I know that keeping things in tends to be hazardous to my health (and those around me). I know that praying helps. I know that God listens. I know that no one is perfect and in life, we are going to have trials and issues that seems to be the end of our worlds. I know that life is going to go on no matter what we chose to do each day (well at least until Jesus comes back anyway. And I know that crying really IS good for the soul. Mine anyway.

Somehow I gotta get back to ME. I mean I know it's not about me so please don't get it twisted. By ME I mean, I gotta figure out what happened to that fire that I had that seems to have burned out. There was this point that I had so much crap going on, probably more than the people who know a LITTLE know about, so much stuff I was doing and was into that was probably not so good. I mean literally had gotten to a point that I figured God would strike me dead if I sneezed wrong. So I started praying, and I mean REALLY praying hard that things changed. That they started looking up and not for me, but for my family, the kids, because I was not showing them any kind of right example (some things are still coming back to bite me in the butt) and I made an effort to make each day a good one. Look for hte positive ya know.

It took a while. I LONG while I might add but I don't know.. some light finally clicked in my thick head and I slowly began to climb out of this pit (THANKS BETH MOORE) that I was in. The pit, I dug and put myself in and allowed myself to continue to wallow in. But I was starting to see some light, and it was good.

I started writing, I bought a house, kids were all doing great, no major health issues to talk about, I finished school (YAY), I was divorced but at that point I could at least say me and the ex were getting along OK, life was making sense. I got in to a relationship that started out as just meeting back up with an old school mate to " I love you". I could sit on the porch and talk to God and I "heard" Him talk back to me. Sound crazy right? But I am so serious. The wind would blow just at the right time, a bird would fly by or things just made sense to me. Believe it or not, God was talking and I was listening for the first time in a VERY LONG TIME.. maybe the first time ever! For a change, things were just going right.

I don't know when, where, why or how that all changed. I just know it did. I think Satan had a part in that. He kinds works like that I imagine. Things going all good, great and he catches you off guard and BAM.. instant confusion in my life.

So hence all the things that seemed so perfect, seemed to fit in my life so well... well the problems started. So I started writing cause I remember going to a shrink once (yeah yeah, a DOCTOR) and her telling me that since I liked to write, why not use that to channel the energy. Now anyone who knows me, KNOWS I do not like, despise, loathe, and yeah, even hate doctors and honestly have no faith in much of what they say. But that stuck so I started writing.. so this is where what Q said comes into play.

See, she has this notion that I am a "fixer". That I live my life forgetting MY stuff and get so involved in other folks stuff that when I DO get stressed,,well, its not a pretty picture. Keeping stuff all bottled up and BOOM.... sonic!

So after long and many sleepless night (which is a whole other issue), I started re thinking some stuff. And hence my posting on here and not to everyone else anymore. Well, for a while anyway cause honestly, I can't give advice, tell you my story, help you or even try until I can find some kind of calm in my own. Only this time, I will document.



***BE WARNED*** if you get easily offended by words, thoughts or suggestions, I will tell you now.. let this be the last blog of mine you read. Cause when it's about me (my issues and stuff going on) all bets are off and the mask comes off. I think I have lost a few friends on that one.

I am not perfect, NEVER EVER will you hear me say or suggest that. I have more issues than a few and for my friends, the real ones who know me.. they read between the lines and don't let me side step with the bull. They call me on it, make me front it head on and deal with it. I love them dearly for that too. cause as much as they hate doing it, it helps more than they will ever know.

I am all typed out for the day but let me close by saying this:

I love my kids more than my own life. There is nothing within my power that I will not do for them. I don't care who likes it, it is what it is. I love my boyfriend. He stole my heart the minute we started talking and has not let go since. I stress him though. I know that. Don't get me wrong, I think we stress each other too! I think that's a part of relationships.. at least I think so anyway. I know he loves me and I really think that we can get thru anything. That's what I pray anyway! My friends are the best... none like them in the world. I love my job, the fact that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt I am blessed beyond measure. And more than any of these things, I love my God so much that it makes me cry to think about how He loves me in spite of me. And I know that no matter what I am going through, no matter how stressed I get and no matter how PIGHEADED I can be, HE continues to love me. I know He wants what is best and just wants me to come to Him.. talk and be honest and open. Its not like He doesn't know anyway.

So once again I start a journey that I honestly didn't even think I would have to do again. Maybe this time I will learn....

Until next time....